The search for a sense of self

Every new year I make resolutions. Unfortunately, these resolutions tend to take a backseat to the perils of life. It is so bad that I have given myself the tagline "my life is a series of unfortunate events". 

I bring this up because this year, I decided that all my resolutions would surround my search for "self". Included in my list for this year, was to travel. You see, as life got to me I became more afraid of change. I used to be known as that bubbly/annoyingly happy girl and I feel like I blinked and when I opened my eyes, I was a tired scared person.

Anyway, I went to New York for my birthday in February to visit my friend Aja and had a great time. Sadly, I came home to a lot of bad news. When it was time for my next trip (Chicago to visit another friend, Ravae), I was tired and stressed. I found myself unable to make connections and generally uncomfortable around people. When it was time to leave, I sat in the airport with Ravae discussing the change in my personality. She made a comment about how years ago, when she would jokingly ask a question like "can we be friends forever?" I would answer "of course" but now, my response is more of a "leave me alone".

Now I am not sure if she realizes how much that affected me but I do remember the person who was self-assured and just...happy but she seems like a distant friend now. The money problems, family problems, and general stresses of life consumed me and made me into an angry shell of my former self.

I don't know if anyone has ever had that out of body experience where they cannot even recognize themselves (or if anyone is even reading this) but I experienced that and boy was it an eye opener. I don't know if I woke up one morning and became cynical and rude of if there was a gradual progression. I am just upset that it took me so long to realize.

I say all of this to say that if anyone is reading this and is going through something similar, just remember that it's just life and the strange thing about life is you can't skip over the parts you don't like.

We all go through the bouts of insecurity and self-doubt. My favorite quote at the moment is:

http://media-cache-ec5.pinterest.com/550x/50/d1/64/50d1643b6eb96234db3b5212b8942ac8.jpg

"Happiness in intelligent people is the rarest thing I know" - Albert Einstein 

That image, coupled with the powerful statement just cuts me deep. We are all human and we all struggle in some way. 

Anyway, I am going to start taking the steps to become a more expressive person again. Believe it or not, being able to share this much about myself with God knows who is a big step for me. 

Let's fight to be the rare intelligent and happy people.

❤ hair, kisses, bubblegum